The Roles I Play

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I’m afraid that I have lost myself.

For I play so many roles

that I have forgotten which one came naturally.

For those concerned with my soul:

I am straight.

I am whole.

I am made clean.

I am a Christian through and through.

Church on Sunday,

Small groups,

and lies, lies, lies.

For those concerned with my sexuality: 

I am bisexual so

focus on the part that is heteronormative.

Pretend that I am in a phase,

that my girlfriend is someone to have fun with.

Blame it on her.

I know it’s easier for you to swallow that than the biological truth.

I love both.

Men and women.

For it does not matter to me what gender they are

rather if they are the person I want to be with forever.

Love is love,

but love is not loved.

For those concerned with my mental health:

I will not make you uncomfortable

with talk of anxiety and medication.

I will try to pray it away.

I will exercise more.

I will hand it over to the holy spirit.

I will cease to suffer from this imaginary ailment.

Please, tell me that it doesn’t exist,

for at least you will sleep well at night.

For those concerned about my education:

I know I am not supported by you.

No worries,

this I will figure out on my own.

I will achieve my dream,

and you will take credit.

You will be proud.

It’s not fair to reap the benefits

when you have not provided support in the process.

Tell me I’m wasting my time.

Tell me that psychology isn’t a science.

Then post on Facebook about how proud you are.

I want your friends to think you

have had something to do with my success.

But, it will not be you I thank.

For those concerned with my age:

Talk to my mom.

I am

whole

and broken. 

Determined 

and wavering. 

Confident

and anxious. 

Spiritual 

and not Christian. 

Loved

and not straight. 

Supported

and not accepted. 

I am living as I know how, 

and I no longer wish to play a role for you. 

 

 

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Thank you

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Happiness and sadness meld together

and I consider just what it means.

I have been lucky beyond belief

to have been here

to have learned here

to have been loved here.

I know it is time to go,

but

I have found a home

where I am supported

where I am encouraged

where I am valued.

More than that,

I have found you all

those who challenge me

those who are my champions

those who laugh and cry with me

those who trust me and whom I trust

those who are proud of me

those who celebrate my successes

those who pick me up after each failure

those who have mentored me

those who have become my friends and confidants

those who have taught me

those who have been my support.

You have prepared me for what is to come

for challenges

for successes

for joy

for disappointment

for times when I do not think I am capable.

I have you all with me

for with me I carry those lessons

which you have imparted to me

and

a sense that I have worth

that I am adequate

that I am not alone.

Having the foundation I need,

I am happy knowing that it is you I leave behind

for I have you at my back,

ready for what comes next.

I will make you proud

and

I look forward to the next time

we are together

because

I will bring my triumphs and failed attempts

knowing you will be there still.