Intertwined

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You pull me in one last time,

and I go home smelling like you.

I drift asleep,

imagining that your hand is intertwined with mine.

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There

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They say you weren’t right for me,

but I know the truth.

You were completely wrong,

but you fit

in a way that I couldn’t have imagined.

You filled the spots where I was empty

and made me feel whole.

But, I lost myself there.

There with you.

I became more of you

and less of me,

and

I lost myself there.

I lost myself there.

 

Not Enough

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I am not enough for you.

You, my love

my light

my best friend

my confidant

my laughter.

I am not enough.

For you wish for something else

something I am not

and can never be.

You wish for him,

any him

seeking pleasure outside of me.

You want what I can’t give

and I am sorry, my love.

 

But, you also want me.

How can you think its okay

to only want a piece of me?

Knowing full well you need

something else

someone else.

For all this time,

I was never enough,

and am afraid I never will be.

You say you can’t lose me,

and you say you need more.

I cannot make sense

of those two sentiments

side by side

yet conflicting entirely.

You fucking knew

you knew all along

that this is me.

I cannot hide that I lack

the one thing you need.

You hold onto me

dragging me along

as you figure out what it is

that you want.

It’s me.

It’s him.

It’s both.

 

I want to say

Please, let it be me!

I also think,

I know it cannot be.

I cannot stop you from

happiness

fulfillment

love

even if it is not with me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And it means that I might not be able to have you.

For, I am not enough,

and you deserve the world.

 

Dear Mom, I’m gay.

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Dear Mom,

I’m gay.

Well, I’m bisexual. I like men and women. It’s not about what gender someone if for me; it’s about the person. I know you won’t understand, and I know you think this is a choice. I fought it for so long, refusing to admit it even to myself. But, no amount of prayer or thought made a difference. I am what I am, and I want to be accepted this way.

I worry you will stop talking to me and stop loving me. In fact, that’s why I haven’t told you. But, you are missing out on one of the best parts of my life. She is my love, my light. I am never happier than when I am with her, and she treats me oh so well. She loves me and cares for me. She is my best friend, my favorite person. She brings out the best in me, and I love her. You’ve met her, but you have no idea how special she is to me. I want to share this with you. I always hoped that my having a serious relationship would bring us together, but now, I worry that it will permanently drive us apart.

Will you be okay with who I am? I know you won’t, but a part of me hopes that you will. I will miss you, Mom. Know that I loved you and will continue to love you, even if this separates us. I will miss you, even though we don’t talk as often as you would like. I still need you, but I will figure out how to do it on my own. Don’t worry about me. You raised me well. I am strong, independent, and compassionate like you. I will be okay. I hope that you will be too. I wish the best for you, and I hope that I do not hurt you too badly with this news. You have been through so much, and I don’t want to make it harder for you. But, I cannot change who I am.

Tell everyone that I love them, and that I will miss them more than they know. Please hug them for me. Should you ever change your mind, I will be here. I will always be your little girl.

I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.

 

Love,

Your Daughter

Of this I am sure

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I am here, but I am overwhelmed.

I feel so much emotion. I am aware of a wrestling inside of me that seems to never cease. I am exhausted on more than a physical level. It is as if my soul is tired. As if the very core of who I am is constantly in motion. I feel as if I that core has been turned upside down and now I am left to revise and rearrange. I wonder who it is that I am and what it is that I stand for. I have new identities that I am struggling to embrace and which invoke fear and discomfort, and I have previous identities that I am attempting to shed but am clinging to solely because they are familiar.

So much of who I am is influx, and it is exhausting and overwhelming me. How can I tell you who I am if I am not even sure myself?

 

There are only a few things that I am sure of:

I love her. She is the light of my life. I think of her when I fall asleep and as soon as I awake. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. She is the best part of my day every single day, and I want to spend every second with her. She is my support, my encourager, my voice of reason, my confidant, my everything. She is my love, and I would be lost without her.

I am where I am supposed to be. I am learning and growing more than I thought possible, and I am surrounded by like-minded people who are striving to make the world a better place. I am honored to be with them and learn from them.

I miss my people. I feel so lonely without my friends and mentors around. I am longing for that support system and severely missing my community that loves me and challenges me. They understand me, and I miss being with people who know me. I so wish they were here with me. I need them.

 

I am here, and I am learning and changing each day.