In Flux

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I both feel everything and nothing at all. It is as if my soul, my very essence of being has retracted into the darkest depths of my existence, and I am no longer privy to its presence.

I both feel numb and emotional. Each day I know that surely I won’t be able to experience any more emotion, yet I have experienced so much that I have fulfilled my own prophecy. It was as if I felt everything all at once, then nothing at all.

I both feel secure and in flux. Everything and nothing has changed. I am a new person and my old self. I am here and there. I am. I am. I am.

I both feel awakened and exhausted. I am challenged and am growing, and I have grown into an exhaustion that seems perpetual. Yet, my soul, it is awakened in its dark place, and I feel more alive through the exhaustion.

I both feel loved and disregarded. She is my light and love. My heart aches for her when she is not here, yet I am sent away by others because of our love. My love lost other loves. I wonder if it all comes out okay in the end.

I both feel confident and anxious. I trust and disclose but not without the fear that always seems to accompany. Anxiety has become my companion and joins me in my confidence and trust. It hinders self-disclosure and protects me as I grow in confidence and vulnerability.

 

Dear Mom, I’m gay.

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Dear Mom,

I’m gay.

Well, I’m bisexual. I like men and women. It’s not about what gender someone if for me; it’s about the person. I know you won’t understand, and I know you think this is a choice. I fought it for so long, refusing to admit it even to myself. But, no amount of prayer or thought made a difference. I am what I am, and I want to be accepted this way.

I worry you will stop talking to me and stop loving me. In fact, that’s why I haven’t told you. But, you are missing out on one of the best parts of my life. She is my love, my light. I am never happier than when I am with her, and she treats me oh so well. She loves me and cares for me. She is my best friend, my favorite person. She brings out the best in me, and I love her. You’ve met her, but you have no idea how special she is to me. I want to share this with you. I always hoped that my having a serious relationship would bring us together, but now, I worry that it will permanently drive us apart.

Will you be okay with who I am? I know you won’t, but a part of me hopes that you will. I will miss you, Mom. Know that I loved you and will continue to love you, even if this separates us. I will miss you, even though we don’t talk as often as you would like. I still need you, but I will figure out how to do it on my own. Don’t worry about me. You raised me well. I am strong, independent, and compassionate like you. I will be okay. I hope that you will be too. I wish the best for you, and I hope that I do not hurt you too badly with this news. You have been through so much, and I don’t want to make it harder for you. But, I cannot change who I am.

Tell everyone that I love them, and that I will miss them more than they know. Please hug them for me. Should you ever change your mind, I will be here. I will always be your little girl.

I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.

 

Love,

Your Daughter

The Roles I Play

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I’m afraid that I have lost myself.

For I play so many roles

that I have forgotten which one came naturally.

For those concerned with my soul:

I am straight.

I am whole.

I am made clean.

I am a Christian through and through.

Church on Sunday,

Small groups,

and lies, lies, lies.

For those concerned with my sexuality: 

I am bisexual so

focus on the part that is heteronormative.

Pretend that I am in a phase,

that my girlfriend is someone to have fun with.

Blame it on her.

I know it’s easier for you to swallow that than the biological truth.

I love both.

Men and women.

For it does not matter to me what gender they are

rather if they are the person I want to be with forever.

Love is love,

but love is not loved.

For those concerned with my mental health:

I will not make you uncomfortable

with talk of anxiety and medication.

I will try to pray it away.

I will exercise more.

I will hand it over to the holy spirit.

I will cease to suffer from this imaginary ailment.

Please, tell me that it doesn’t exist,

for at least you will sleep well at night.

For those concerned about my education:

I know I am not supported by you.

No worries,

this I will figure out on my own.

I will achieve my dream,

and you will take credit.

You will be proud.

It’s not fair to reap the benefits

when you have not provided support in the process.

Tell me I’m wasting my time.

Tell me that psychology isn’t a science.

Then post on Facebook about how proud you are.

I want your friends to think you

have had something to do with my success.

But, it will not be you I thank.

For those concerned with my age:

Talk to my mom.

I am

whole

and broken. 

Determined 

and wavering. 

Confident

and anxious. 

Spiritual 

and not Christian. 

Loved

and not straight. 

Supported

and not accepted. 

I am living as I know how, 

and I no longer wish to play a role for you. 

 

 

Of this I am sure

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I am here, but I am overwhelmed.

I feel so much emotion. I am aware of a wrestling inside of me that seems to never cease. I am exhausted on more than a physical level. It is as if my soul is tired. As if the very core of who I am is constantly in motion. I feel as if I that core has been turned upside down and now I am left to revise and rearrange. I wonder who it is that I am and what it is that I stand for. I have new identities that I am struggling to embrace and which invoke fear and discomfort, and I have previous identities that I am attempting to shed but am clinging to solely because they are familiar.

So much of who I am is influx, and it is exhausting and overwhelming me. How can I tell you who I am if I am not even sure myself?

 

There are only a few things that I am sure of:

I love her. She is the light of my life. I think of her when I fall asleep and as soon as I awake. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. She is the best part of my day every single day, and I want to spend every second with her. She is my support, my encourager, my voice of reason, my confidant, my everything. She is my love, and I would be lost without her.

I am where I am supposed to be. I am learning and growing more than I thought possible, and I am surrounded by like-minded people who are striving to make the world a better place. I am honored to be with them and learn from them.

I miss my people. I feel so lonely without my friends and mentors around. I am longing for that support system and severely missing my community that loves me and challenges me. They understand me, and I miss being with people who know me. I so wish they were here with me. I need them.

 

I am here, and I am learning and changing each day.

My Love

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I saw us for the first time,

and it took my breath away.

I knew then that

you were my love.

I could not deny it,

neither did I want to.

I want the world to know

that it is you.

But, they can’t know.

Fear holds me back,

making me doubt.

Not you,

but them.

Those who will disown,

de-friend,

denounce.

Because you happen to be my love.

You care for me,

treat me well,

covet time with me,

speak beautiful words.

However, you are also a female.

And, somehow, that becomes

all that they see.

That you and I happen to be

of the same sex.

A love deemed a sin,

something to be ashamed of.

But, you are beautiful and kind,

and you are mine.

I want to show you to the world,

to tell them all what we have.

But, I cannot.

My heart aches because it is both

full of love and

full of fear.

Because you are my love.

My love.

My love.