Intertwined

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You pull me in one last time,

and I go home smelling like you.

I drift asleep,

imagining that your hand is intertwined with mine.

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Immediately

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You pulled me in for one last kiss

that turned into five more kisses.

My heart pounded in my chest

as I held you close for one last moment.

I hold your face in my hands,

soaking in everything about you.

“Don’t miss me too much.”

“No promises.”

“Don’t miss me too much.”

“I already do.”

Then, you pull away,

and

immediately,

I missed you.

There

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They say you weren’t right for me,

but I know the truth.

You were completely wrong,

but you fit

in a way that I couldn’t have imagined.

You filled the spots where I was empty

and made me feel whole.

But, I lost myself there.

There with you.

I became more of you

and less of me,

and

I lost myself there.

I lost myself there.

 

Not Enough

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I am not enough for you.

You, my love

my light

my best friend

my confidant

my laughter.

I am not enough.

For you wish for something else

something I am not

and can never be.

You wish for him,

any him

seeking pleasure outside of me.

You want what I can’t give

and I am sorry, my love.

 

But, you also want me.

How can you think its okay

to only want a piece of me?

Knowing full well you need

something else

someone else.

For all this time,

I was never enough,

and am afraid I never will be.

You say you can’t lose me,

and you say you need more.

I cannot make sense

of those two sentiments

side by side

yet conflicting entirely.

You fucking knew

you knew all along

that this is me.

I cannot hide that I lack

the one thing you need.

You hold onto me

dragging me along

as you figure out what it is

that you want.

It’s me.

It’s him.

It’s both.

 

I want to say

Please, let it be me!

I also think,

I know it cannot be.

I cannot stop you from

happiness

fulfillment

love

even if it is not with me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And it means that I might not be able to have you.

For, I am not enough,

and you deserve the world.

 

In Flux

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I both feel everything and nothing at all. It is as if my soul, my very essence of being has retracted into the darkest depths of my existence, and I am no longer privy to its presence.

I both feel numb and emotional. Each day I know that surely I won’t be able to experience any more emotion, yet I have experienced so much that I have fulfilled my own prophecy. It was as if I felt everything all at once, then nothing at all.

I both feel secure and in flux. Everything and nothing has changed. I am a new person and my old self. I am here and there. I am. I am. I am.

I both feel awakened and exhausted. I am challenged and am growing, and I have grown into an exhaustion that seems perpetual. Yet, my soul, it is awakened inĀ its dark place, and I feel more alive through the exhaustion.

I both feel loved and disregarded. She is my light and love. My heart aches for her when she is not here, yet I am sent away by others because of our love. My love lost other loves. I wonder if it all comes out okay in the end.

I both feel confident and anxious. I trust and disclose but not without the fear that always seems to accompany. Anxiety has become my companion and joins me in my confidence and trust. It hinders self-disclosure and protects me as I grow in confidence and vulnerability.