I am done.

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I am done. I am emotionally raw. I have reached max capacity in the emotional department. I am unable to handle any more emotions. I am exhausted in every way imaginable. The tears are coming readily, and I am done.
I have nothing left to give. I have given of myself until I collapsed. I have trusted to easily and been hurt by those I loved. I chose wrongly, and now I know that. I love them. That is the problem. I value them, and it was not returned. They are important to me, but not I to them. I am done being disposable. I can no longer bear to be thrown aside and retrieved at their convenience. I am no longer theirs, and I am done.
I have worked hard, and time has been spent. They may not have appreciated it, but I did my best. I gave my time, my money, and my effort. I was glad to help, but I was picked on, disregarded, and made to feel unnecessary. I was not loved or appreciated or even just left alone. I have never felt so unappreciated. I am no longer trying, and I am done.
I have no more left to give.

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Collision

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This weekend many worlds collided. I got to see several people who have had a huge impact on my life. It was strange to see them all together though.

They each knew me best at a different time in my life, and they each knew me well. Very well. They have been my confidants, my mentors, the people I look up to.

I’ve missed them. I want them back. I miss having someone like that in my life. I miss having someone know what’s going on in my life. I miss being around someone who truly knows me.

I’m tired if feeling like no one actually knows me. I’m tired of feeling alone.

Gosh, I miss those people. I miss them so much.

Waiting

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It’s still here. The anxiety.

It has made its home inside of me, and I don’t know how to get it to go away. The counseling was a bust, and I’m left here crying out to the Lord. I have confidence that he is more than able to take this anxiety away from me. I am just waiting.

I am waiting for an answer to many prayers. I am waiting to see what the Lord will use this for. I am waiting to see if he will take it away. I hope he will. He’s my only option. He’s the only one who can do anything about this anxiety. I know I can’t do anything about it on my own.

I can go a while without major bouts of anxiety, and just when I think it may be gone, its there. Making my heart rate soar, my breathing become shallow, and my body to tingle. I feel so out of control when it happens, and I hate it. There’s just nothing I can do about it.

I just have to deal with it. It has no preference on location either. It can happen in my room, in class, in the library, in the dining hall. Wherever really. Sometimes I wonder if the people around me can tell what’s going on inside of me. Part of me wants them to be able to tell, but part of me hopes they will never notice. What could they do about it anyways? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They would just look at me differently if they found out. Maybe some of them would try to help, but I am not convinced that they could make a difference.

I find myself waiting.

Alone Time

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Sometime time alone is good for the soul. If you’re an introvert that is.

This weekend I have the apartment to myself and most of my friends are gone until Sunday.

I need this time alone. Time to just be by myself. To not have to entertain anyone or have to come up with conversations to have.

This weekend I am working out, doing homework, and watching movies. I couldn’t ask for a more perfectly timed or better weekend.

So, here’s to this weekend and being a satisfied introvert.

To you, my friend (Part 2)

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To you, my friend,

There’s something else I need you to know. It’s something that I am having a hard time saying.

I was hurt.

I was hurt when you were refusing to make time for me. I was hurt when you were always “busy.” I was hurt when you made time for them instead. I was hurt because I felt abandoned.

I was hurt when I found out who it was. I was hurt when I realized our friendship wasn’t what I thought it was. I was hurt because I felt betrayed.

I was hurt because I felt insignificant. I was hurt because we didn’t talk. I was hurt because you didn’t know what’s going on in my life and I didn’t know what’s going on in yours. I was hurt because I felt alone.

I was hurt because I didn’t know what to do. I was hurt because I needed some advice. I was hurt because I had no one to go to. I was hurt because I was confused.

I was hurt because I felt like I couldn’t talk to you anymore. I was hurt because I trusted you. I was hurt because you pulled away. I was hurt because I was in need.

I was hurt because I missed our long conversations. I was hurt because I missed laughing with you. I was hurt because I missed the time we spent together. I was hurt because I missed out friendship.

I was hurt because you let them make you choose. I was hurt because you didn’t stick up for me. I was hurt because you let them determine our friendship. I was hurt because you let them say that about me.

I was hurt because you didn’t tell me what was going on. I was hurt because you stepped out of my life without reason. I was hurt because you were hurt. I was hurt because I didn’t feel trusted.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry that I’m keeping things from you. I’m sorry I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry because I know you’re hurting too. I’m sorry because we’re drifting apart. I’m sorry because that’s not what I want.

I love you lots. I miss you more. I need you back.

Your friend

Jealousy and friendships

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Loneliness and anxiety seem to go hand in hand.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know what I know. But, then again, I am glad to know what I do. It’s hard to feel like you’re losing a friend. It’s even harder to feel like you’re losing two. Then, you throw some good old fashioned hate in there from an acquaintance and you have loneliness and a healthy dose of anxiety.

I still love them. That’s the hardest part I think. To love someone who is going behind your back to make one of your closest friends not want to spend time with you. That hurts. That hurts a lot.

I hate to sit alone feeling like I can’t call them to hang out or to see what they are up to. I hate feeling like a burden, but I do. I hate wondering if I am valued as a friend.

Just when I think I should say something. She makes me feel valued again. We hang out, and everything feels back to normal. And, maybe it is. Maybe this has all been blown out of proportion by me. But, recent happenings suggest otherwise.

She never has time for me anymore. But, for them, she does. And, now, I am jealous. It’s a vicious cycle, jealousy is. It causes a heaping mound of pain for all who are involved. Especially when she swears that nothing has changed. Especially when she is my closest friend. Especially when I need her. Especially when she’s the only one who knows.

But, here I am jealous, anxious, alone, and hurt.