Not Enough

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I am not enough for you.

You, my love

my light

my best friend

my confidant

my laughter.

I am not enough.

For you wish for something else

something I am not

and can never be.

You wish for him,

any him

seeking pleasure outside of me.

You want what I can’t give

and I am sorry, my love.

 

But, you also want me.

How can you think its okay

to only want a piece of me?

Knowing full well you need

something else

someone else.

For all this time,

I was never enough,

and am afraid I never will be.

You say you can’t lose me,

and you say you need more.

I cannot make sense

of those two sentiments

side by side

yet conflicting entirely.

You fucking knew

you knew all along

that this is me.

I cannot hide that I lack

the one thing you need.

You hold onto me

dragging me along

as you figure out what it is

that you want.

It’s me.

It’s him.

It’s both.

 

I want to say

Please, let it be me!

I also think,

I know it cannot be.

I cannot stop you from

happiness

fulfillment

love

even if it is not with me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And it means that I might not be able to have you.

For, I am not enough,

and you deserve the world.

 

Nothingness

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They come and go

washing over me

and over me

and over me.

Less like a gentle, rolling wave on a bright,cloudless day

and more like those that come with the storm on a dark, ominous night

crashing white and violent into the shore of my mind.

Each time a little clearer

a little bolder

a little louder.

Scaring me.

Pushing me under.

Paralyzing me with each crash.

They attack when my back is turned

as I rush to the shore

but can’t quite escape their wrath.

I cling to all that is good

hoping that will be enough to sustain me

and wait for the waves of thought to subside.

I’ve barely caught my breath

and

they

are

here

again.

I’m at their mercy once again and

hating that I have no control.

I hope that they do not take me over

because I do not know what would happen.

But, I do know what would happen,

and that is what scares me most.

I would cease to exist,

overtaken by the wave

at the mercy of its power and persistence.

No longer here nor there

but rather washed away at sea.

 

In Flux

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I both feel everything and nothing at all. It is as if my soul, my very essence of being has retracted into the darkest depths of my existence, and I am no longer privy to its presence.

I both feel numb and emotional. Each day I know that surely I won’t be able to experience any more emotion, yet I have experienced so much that I have fulfilled my own prophecy. It was as if I felt everything all at once, then nothing at all.

I both feel secure and in flux. Everything and nothing has changed. I am a new person and my old self. I am here and there. I am. I am. I am.

I both feel awakened and exhausted. I am challenged and am growing, and I have grown into an exhaustion that seems perpetual. Yet, my soul, it is awakened in its dark place, and I feel more alive through the exhaustion.

I both feel loved and disregarded. She is my light and love. My heart aches for her when she is not here, yet I am sent away by others because of our love. My love lost other loves. I wonder if it all comes out okay in the end.

I both feel confident and anxious. I trust and disclose but not without the fear that always seems to accompany. Anxiety has become my companion and joins me in my confidence and trust. It hinders self-disclosure and protects me as I grow in confidence and vulnerability.

 

Dear Mom, I’m gay.

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Dear Mom,

I’m gay.

Well, I’m bisexual. I like men and women. It’s not about what gender someone if for me; it’s about the person. I know you won’t understand, and I know you think this is a choice. I fought it for so long, refusing to admit it even to myself. But, no amount of prayer or thought made a difference. I am what I am, and I want to be accepted this way.

I worry you will stop talking to me and stop loving me. In fact, that’s why I haven’t told you. But, you are missing out on one of the best parts of my life. She is my love, my light. I am never happier than when I am with her, and she treats me oh so well. She loves me and cares for me. She is my best friend, my favorite person. She brings out the best in me, and I love her. You’ve met her, but you have no idea how special she is to me. I want to share this with you. I always hoped that my having a serious relationship would bring us together, but now, I worry that it will permanently drive us apart.

Will you be okay with who I am? I know you won’t, but a part of me hopes that you will. I will miss you, Mom. Know that I loved you and will continue to love you, even if this separates us. I will miss you, even though we don’t talk as often as you would like. I still need you, but I will figure out how to do it on my own. Don’t worry about me. You raised me well. I am strong, independent, and compassionate like you. I will be okay. I hope that you will be too. I wish the best for you, and I hope that I do not hurt you too badly with this news. You have been through so much, and I don’t want to make it harder for you. But, I cannot change who I am.

Tell everyone that I love them, and that I will miss them more than they know. Please hug them for me. Should you ever change your mind, I will be here. I will always be your little girl.

I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my mommy you’ll be.

 

Love,

Your Daughter

The Roles I Play

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I’m afraid that I have lost myself.

For I play so many roles

that I have forgotten which one came naturally.

For those concerned with my soul:

I am straight.

I am whole.

I am made clean.

I am a Christian through and through.

Church on Sunday,

Small groups,

and lies, lies, lies.

For those concerned with my sexuality: 

I am bisexual so

focus on the part that is heteronormative.

Pretend that I am in a phase,

that my girlfriend is someone to have fun with.

Blame it on her.

I know it’s easier for you to swallow that than the biological truth.

I love both.

Men and women.

For it does not matter to me what gender they are

rather if they are the person I want to be with forever.

Love is love,

but love is not loved.

For those concerned with my mental health:

I will not make you uncomfortable

with talk of anxiety and medication.

I will try to pray it away.

I will exercise more.

I will hand it over to the holy spirit.

I will cease to suffer from this imaginary ailment.

Please, tell me that it doesn’t exist,

for at least you will sleep well at night.

For those concerned about my education:

I know I am not supported by you.

No worries,

this I will figure out on my own.

I will achieve my dream,

and you will take credit.

You will be proud.

It’s not fair to reap the benefits

when you have not provided support in the process.

Tell me I’m wasting my time.

Tell me that psychology isn’t a science.

Then post on Facebook about how proud you are.

I want your friends to think you

have had something to do with my success.

But, it will not be you I thank.

For those concerned with my age:

Talk to my mom.

I am

whole

and broken. 

Determined 

and wavering. 

Confident

and anxious. 

Spiritual 

and not Christian. 

Loved

and not straight. 

Supported

and not accepted. 

I am living as I know how, 

and I no longer wish to play a role for you.