In Flux

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I both feel everything and nothing at all. It is as if my soul, my very essence of being has retracted into the darkest depths of my existence, and I am no longer privy to its presence.

I both feel numb and emotional. Each day I know that surely I won’t be able to experience any more emotion, yet I have experienced so much that I have fulfilled my own prophecy. It was as if I felt everything all at once, then nothing at all.

I both feel secure and in flux. Everything and nothing has changed. I am a new person and my old self. I am here and there. I am. I am. I am.

I both feel awakened and exhausted. I am challenged and am growing, and I have grown into an exhaustion that seems perpetual. Yet, my soul, it is awakened in its dark place, and I feel more alive through the exhaustion.

I both feel loved and disregarded. She is my light and love. My heart aches for her when she is not here, yet I am sent away by others because of our love. My love lost other loves. I wonder if it all comes out okay in the end.

I both feel confident and anxious. I trust and disclose but not without the fear that always seems to accompany. Anxiety has become my companion and joins me in my confidence and trust. It hinders self-disclosure and protects me as I grow in confidence and vulnerability.

 

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One thought on “In Flux

  1. Never have I ever connected with words so much. Thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for being brave through everything you face. You are an inspiration.
    mentalmaladies.wordpress.com

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