I both feel everything and nothing at all. It is as if my soul, my very essence of being has retracted into the darkest depths of my existence, and I am no longer privy to its presence.
I both feel numb and emotional. Each day I know that surely I won’t be able to experience any more emotion, yet I have experienced so much that I have fulfilled my own prophecy. It was as if I felt everything all at once, then nothing at all.
I both feel secure and in flux. Everything and nothing has changed. I am a new person and my old self. I am here and there. I am. I am. I am.
I both feel awakened and exhausted. I am challenged and am growing, and I have grown into an exhaustion that seems perpetual. Yet, my soul, it is awakened in its dark place, and I feel more alive through the exhaustion.
I both feel loved and disregarded. She is my light and love. My heart aches for her when she is not here, yet I am sent away by others because of our love. My love lost other loves. I wonder if it all comes out okay in the end.
I both feel confident and anxious. I trust and disclose but not without the fear that always seems to accompany. Anxiety has become my companion and joins me in my confidence and trust. It hinders self-disclosure and protects me as I grow in confidence and vulnerability.