I am not yours.

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I AM NOT YOURS.

You do not get to choose when you want to be “proud” of me. You do not get to choose when to show up. You do not get to choose to see me.

But, you did, and I am helpless to stop you.

I tremble when I see you, afraid of what you might do or say. You wreck my world, and I HATE that you have that power over me. I cannot stand the overwhelming panic I feel when I see you. Have you wondered why I have not seen you in two years?

I am not yours.

You lost your right to see me. You lost your right to talk to me. You lost your right to experience milestones in my life. Do you realize that you no longer know me? Do you realize that my accomplishments are not yours to be proud of? That I am who I am despite of you? Despite of what you have done. Despite of who you are. Despite of what you led me to believe about yourself.

I am not yours.

I know I was clear the last day we spoke. I clearly spelled out that you were no longer welcome in my life. That meant for any reason. There are no exceptions. You are not excluded from my life except. You are excluded from my life regardless.

I am not yours.

Fuck you for trying to take over the day. Fuck you for making it about yourself. Fuck you for showing up uninvited. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

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Thank you

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Happiness and sadness meld together

and I consider just what it means.

I have been lucky beyond belief

to have been here

to have learned here

to have been loved here.

I know it is time to go,

but

I have found a home

where I am supported

where I am encouraged

where I am valued.

More than that,

I have found you all

those who challenge me

those who are my champions

those who laugh and cry with me

those who trust me and whom I trust

those who are proud of me

those who celebrate my successes

those who pick me up after each failure

those who have mentored me

those who have become my friends and confidants

those who have taught me

those who have been my support.

You have prepared me for what is to come

for challenges

for successes

for joy

for disappointment

for times when I do not think I am capable.

I have you all with me

for with me I carry those lessons

which you have imparted to me

and

a sense that I have worth

that I am adequate

that I am not alone.

Having the foundation I need,

I am happy knowing that it is you I leave behind

for I have you at my back,

ready for what comes next.

I will make you proud

and

I look forward to the next time

we are together

because

I will bring my triumphs and failed attempts

knowing you will be there still.