Disappointment

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I know you will be disappointed.

They were right. I am. I wanted this so badly. I could see myself doing it. Being successful. More than that, I could see the good that would come from it. I could see it as a means to fight for the rights of women by helping the men. I wanted to make a difference.

Instead I feel stuck. I don’t know that I will ever have that opportunity again. I am now on a path leading straight to the work force, and that is not what I want. I want to travel and be surrounded by people who are not like me. I want to learn and grow with them. I want to be challenged.

I fell that my opportunity to turn my experience into something positive has been ripped away, and I had been relying on it to cope much more than I had noticed. I needed to make what I have experienced into something that is useful, valuable. If not, it was all for nothing.

I feel like a disappointment. The list of people that I have let down seems endless. They all believed in me, yet they put their faith in the wrong person. It was not me that they should have been championing all this time. They should have invested their time and energy somewhere else. I was simply a waste of their time, and I am not sure that I will ever amount to anything.

I feel that I have confirmed what they believe about me. That I am not capable. That I just need to stay here where it is comfortable. It is easier for them to act like they support me here. I have not told them because I cannot handle their joy at my defeat. I need their support but know that I will not receive it. I do not want to be so accessible to them. I am not theirs but I am theirs at the same time. It hurts to be theirs and I cannot handle it.

I feel like a fake. I am not in any way distinguished from the rest. I have tried and I have failed. They others simply did not try. I was gullible enough to believe that I could do it. I should have dreamed smaller, more realistically. Lived by a motto of dream big but not too big.

My hopes were so high. I did not want them to be, but it was unavoidable.

I am afraid that I am destined for mediocracy. A life marked by normalcy and described as mundane. When what I want is a life marked by exploration and travel and described as influential.

And now I have to tell everyone. The knowledge of my insufficiency letting down another everyday. I recount the happenings and know that I am not who they say I am nor am I who I thought I was. I am much less, and I will have to adjust.