It’s me again. There’s a few more things I want you to know. Bear with me, I know it’s a lot to take in right now.
- Forgive dad in your own time. I know mom is pushing you to forgive him, but wait until you are ready. Know that forgiveness doesn’t mean that it’s okay. He won’t respond how he should, but there’s nothing you can do to make him be a good dad.
- Don’t beat yourself up for not wanting dad in your life. He’s not good for you, and you will be better off without him there. You will miss the idea of having a dad, but you will find other mentors to fill that void in your life.
- It’s okay to still be hurt. You will be for a long time. This is not something that you have to get over right now. Extend yourself some grace. Mourn for what you have lost and celebrate what you have.
- I still love mom. Things will get better when you move out. She’s not my best friend, but I love her and see her occasionally. She will miss you once you’re at college.
- On that note, mom is going to continue to do things that will hurt you. She doesn’t mean to hurt you. Remember that she is hurting too.
- Find your home in the people who love you. They will be your support as you work through all of this.
- Listen to your music loud. It will make you forget for a little while.
- Try not to worry about what people will say. None of them really understand what happened. They will make assumptions anyways. Don’t bother correcting them. Focus on what you are doing and leave the rest alone.
- You will fall in love with him. I’m not sure that there’s anything you can do about that. Love him, and when he leaves you, know that it’s his loss.
- You are enough. Just as you are. On the good and the bad days, you are enough.
I’ll write you again soon. Hang in there.
Here are a few things I want you to know. Please believe me. I know you. I know that you’re hurting. I know. So, here’s what I have for you, my younger self.
- It isn’t your fault. I know that you have come to believe them, but I will say it again: it isn’t your fault. You did not make dad behave in that way, and later, you won’t make mom behave as she will.
- You have to talk about it. I know what you’re thinking, but trust me on this one. It’s worse if you don’t. Be selective in who you trust, but trust someone. Choose them wisely, and tell them what is happening. It will be uncomfortable, and it will make you nauseous no matter how many times you do it. Do it anyways.
- You have worth. Really, you do. I know they take turns telling you that you are worthless. They are so wrong, sweet girl. It will take you years to realize this, but there will people later who help you see what you are worth. And, it’s a lot, kid.
- You are capable of being loved. The fact that the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally don’t show you love is not a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection on them. You will be resistant to the love of others for a while. Try to accept it. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be loved fully and without conditions. There will be people who love you despite mom and dad’s inability to do so.
- You are not mom or dad. You are distinctly yourself. You will believe them when they both tell you that you possess the worst characteristics of the other. Go ahead and hide in the closet and cry. It’s okay. It hurts to hear that your mom thinks you are like your abusive dad. Please know that she is wrong. So wrong. You are so many things, but you are not dad.
- Who he is does not define who you are or who you will become. This is going to motivate you. You will become passionate about helping others, and it’s good. Really good. Promise.
- Cry. Cry a lot. I know you hate crying. (Unfortunately, that does not change.) But, sometimes words just won’t do it. Never feel like you have to suck it up. Life sucks right now for you, but it won’t always be like this.
- Mom doesn’t always know what’s best for you. Find a mentor. Let them love you. Let them teach you. Let them cry with you. Mom won’t like it, but she won’t like much of what you do anyways. This is something worth disobeying her for.
- You are not a bad person. You will come to feel that way. Know that you have been a good, faithful daughter. You stood by your mom’s side during the hardest times. In the next few years, she will take everything out on you. It’s not okay, and it will hurt. It will get better when you move out.
- Be your own champion. You don’t have many people in your corner right now. That will change, but it will be a while. Know that you will come to feel so championed in the coming years. There will be people who truly believe in you and support you through successes and failures.
There’s more, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Know that you are loved. Know that you will make it through this. Know that it will get better.