I am not who I have become

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I am again reminded of who I am and who I do not wish to be.

I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I am often emotionally unstable. I cry at the mere suggestion that something may be wrong. I am frustrated by who I have become. It feels as if I am losing control of myself, with anxiety taking my place. I cannot go a day, or an hour, without anxiety. Wherever I go, there he goes too.

What you don’t know is that I only cry because something is wrong. But, it is something that I cannot share. It is not simple, and it is not comfortable for me nor for you. You were right when you said that I did not yet trust you. I am afraid that you were wrong when you said that one day I would be ready to talk to you, but I hope that you were right.

You see, you are not what is holding me back. I am petrified with fear of what will happen when someone finds out what is happening within me. I feel as if I am in turmoil and that the only way out is to do they very thing of which I am afraid– to tell you how I feel. I know that my abilities will be called into question. I fear that you will not understand and that you will tell me that this is normal. This cannot be all that there is.

I refuse to believe that I will spend the rest of my life in a war against anxiety. I also refuse to provide the world with a means by which to deem me incapable. I am more than able, and I will hold onto my secret until I am sure that you can be trusted with it.