I don’t know who I am anymore.
I do not fit into my family.
I am losing my friends.
I am distant from God.
I am overtaken by anxiety.
I am no longer the girl I once was. Some of it is good. Some of it is less than good. I feel like my body has been hijacked by this thing that is self destructive. I won’t let me sleep or eat. It won’t let me explain what is going on. It won’t let me relax. It won’t let me enjoy the things around me. It makes me irritable. It causes me to lash out at those I love. It causes me to question my abilities. It is an unwelcome visitor that I cannot shake. I can’t get it off my back, and I think it is getting stronger by the day, while I become weaker. I have lost my excitement. I have lost my patience. I have lost my ability to feel carefree. I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I am not sure who I was, who I am, or who I need to be. I do know that this isn’t it. This can’t be it. I am a stranger to myself.
I’m not okay.
Sure, I’m going through the motions, but that’s it. I run through each day hoping that anxiety will not take me over. That I will be rational. That I will be happy.
I wake each morning in a panic. Wondering what fresh hell awaits me as I start my day. Because the fact of the matter is that nothing is simple or painless when anxiety is involved. Simple tasks become overwhelming. There’s the endless worry that I will mess up or that I will disappoint someone. Or there’s the constant over analyzing of everything that someone does or says, asking myself what they really meant or what I had done to upset them.
It’s hard because this isn’t the norm for everyone, and it’s hard to understand if you have never experienced it. To those around me, I don’t quite seem like myself. I am overtaken by worry and stress. I am exhausted and scatter-brained. I am not the person I once was. I lack the confidence and quick decision making that I used to have, and it has been replaced by constant second guessing and the inability to make even the simplest of decisions. I long for the clear headed-ness that I used to have and the confidence with which I used to live my life. I feel beaten down. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted. I feel anxious.
This is not okay.