Power

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Words are powerful.

They have the power to build someone up or break them down. They have the power to make someone laugh or cry. They have the power to bring comfort or pain. They have the power to change relationships.

Words also have the power to destroy reputations.

You don’t understand why your words hurt me so much. You may never understand the hurt they’ve caused. Your words formed a lie. A pretty powerful one. You crossed a line. With those words, you have the power to completely destroy my reputation. You don’t understand that. You don’t think anything is wrong. You think your words have no power. You don’t know what I know.

You don’t know my story. You don’t know how I’ve seen the effects of what you accused me of. You don’t know that it destroyed my family. You don’t know that it still hurts today. You don’t understand exactly what you did. You don’t know that you struck a nerve. You don’t know that I am not my father. But, I do.

I am not my father. I am not defined by who he is. I do not follow in his footsteps because they would have led me astray. You don’t know how serious your lie was. You don’t know what it does to people. But, I do.

That is why you hurt me. You hurt me because you lied. You hurt me because of the seriousness of what you lied about. You hurt me because you have no idea what you did. No matter how much I try to tell you, you will never understand what you have done. You will never know how much I am hurting as a result of your words.

Please remember, my friend, words have power. More than you realize. Use them with love and kindness. Never abuse them or spread false ones.

 

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A letter to you

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To you dad,

I am not yours. You lost that right years ago. I needed you. Actually, I needed you to be the father I needed, not the man you were and continue to be. You have hurt me so deeply, and you still say it was all me. I have forgiven you, you see, but you do not understand why. You don’t get that you destroyed me. You destroyed my family, my view of you, my view of myself. You took my childhood from me. You made me grow up. I became an adult long before I was supposed to. I became depressed. I did not have a name for it then, but I do now. I lost my love for life. My love for others. My love for myself. I lost the ability to be loved. I took what you said to me to heart. I held it there and let it become a part of me. I am still trying to let that go. I am who I am because of who you are. However, I am not you. I am not defined by you. I refuse to be known as your daughter. I feel that I am no one’s daughter. I feel that I belong no where. But, here’s what you didn’t know. You made me strong. You made me fiercely independent. You made me capable. You made me tough. You made me perceptive. You made me discerning. You made me protective. You made me loyal. You helped make me into the woman I am today. Not because you were a good role model, but because you drove me away. You took yourself from me, and I learned to cope. I eventually found other role models, and they taught me too. They taught me to love and be loved. They taught me to talk about what was going on. They taught me about Jesus. They taught me to cry. They taught me to listen. They taught me to be gentle. They taught me to be confident. They taught me to trust. They taught me to be vulnerable. They showed me what it means to be a friend and a family. They showed me what love is. Because that is something I never learned from you. It’s ok though, Dad. I am ok now. I have rough days. I even have rough weeks or months, but I don’t need you anymore. I have learned to live without you, and I am doing well. I am succeeding in school. I am serving in a ministry. I have friends who love me. I have role models to help me along the way. I am myself, and I like me. I refuse to be the one missing out. That is you now. You don’t get to be a part of my college graduation, my wedding, my kids lives’. You will never know who I turn out to be, and that, daddy, is a shame cause you would be proud of me.

Sincerely,
Your daughter

Longing for a family

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I long for a family. One that loves me unconditionally, understands me, cares about me, trusts me, values me, and wants to spend time with me. I am no longer homesick, so maybe that’s the good thing. Instead, I do not want to go home at all. I do not feel wanted there. I feel like a burden. Someone who gets in the way. What do they need me for anyways? Nothing. I am worth nothing to them. Why is that? Why can’t they just want me? Why don’t they want to be with me? What have I done?
I am so hurt by them. Every time it seems to hurt worse. Every time they abandon me it stings like the first time. I wish I could know what it is like to be loved and wanted by my family.
If my own dad doesn’t love me, what does that day about me? I cannot be loved. I am unlovable? But, am I? If my own mom doesn’t make time for me, who will? Why should they? Who am I to deserve their time?
The people who should have been there always weren’t, and I am longing to belong somewhere.

I am done.

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I am done. I am emotionally raw. I have reached max capacity in the emotional department. I am unable to handle any more emotions. I am exhausted in every way imaginable. The tears are coming readily, and I am done.
I have nothing left to give. I have given of myself until I collapsed. I have trusted to easily and been hurt by those I loved. I chose wrongly, and now I know that. I love them. That is the problem. I value them, and it was not returned. They are important to me, but not I to them. I am done being disposable. I can no longer bear to be thrown aside and retrieved at their convenience. I am no longer theirs, and I am done.
I have worked hard, and time has been spent. They may not have appreciated it, but I did my best. I gave my time, my money, and my effort. I was glad to help, but I was picked on, disregarded, and made to feel unnecessary. I was not loved or appreciated or even just left alone. I have never felt so unappreciated. I am no longer trying, and I am done.
I have no more left to give.

A Lesson in Worth

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Today I felt worthless. Abandoned. Insignificant. Disposable. This week really. It’s crazy how much the people you love can affect you. Especially when you feel hurt. Abandonment must be the worst feeling in the world. I will never forget the sinking feeling of worthlessness that results from it. It’s so easy to forget where my worth is found.
Today I was also reminded that my worth is found in The Lord. It’s only through him that my life is worth living. He is the only reason I have to continue on when life knocks me down. I don’t know what I would do if I did not have Him here with me always.
Today he used my professor. When she caught me in tears, she listened. She cared. She spoke the truth of my worth into my life. Today she was my reminder of who my God is and what that means for me. Today she shared with me what The Lord has done in her life. Today I was encouraged by her. Today I was understood by her. She knows what it’s like. Our stories overlap.
Today, I am thankful for crappy fathers, tears, and life experience. Ultimately, I am thankful for my sweet Heavenly Father. Today I am thankful to have my feelings be understood and not judged. Today I am grateful for the people The Lord has placed in my life.

I am no longer worthless.

Where I’ve Come From

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Today I was reminded just how not over it I am. I saw just how much it has affected me and continues to reach into my life and change my views. I have become skeptical at best. Bitter at worst. Angry. Upset. Hurt. Confused. Marriage is tainted. Love is belittled. Fatherhood is destroyed. I’m not sure what a functional family would even look like. I have learned what not to do. How not to treat the ones I love. How much it hurts when the ones who should love you don’t. How much their absence continues to haunt you. How much a girl needs her dad. How much someone understanding means. How little everyone truly understands. Today, I am me. I am myself as I am every day. I am created by what I have experienced, and it is only by God that I am who I am. Not my family. I am not my family. My father resides in heaven. One day I will meet Him there, but for now I will wonder. Wonder what it looks like to have a supportive family, a loving father, a god example to go by. I wonder what it would feel like to trust them. To want to be like them. My role models are not them. They are few, but they are wonderful. I would not care to do life without them. I miss them. I miss having people who know my story. It hurts anew every time I have to explain to someone why I am who I am.  It’s a complicated story. Hurt. Despair. Depression. Anxiety. Loss. Confusion. Grace. Salvation. Redemption. Sometimes I forget parts. Sometimes I leave them out on purpose. Sometimes it just hurts too much. Then, sometimes, like today, a nerve is struck, and I remember where I’ve come from.